The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the view of the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners.

By Kym Maehl, CRC, CHT

In my 30 years of working with clients, I have found that communication challenges are the number one cause of relationship distress. Without exception, when ineffective communication takes place, there will be at least one person in the relationship who does not feel that they are being heard. This can have eroding effects and always results in an imbalance of perceived power.

There are several reasons that this occurs but usually it is because the unheard person is afraid to actually verbalize what they are feeling. This can be because they are judging the feelings they are having; they are afraid of an adverse reaction from their partner; or they don’t even really know what they are feeling. In each of these cases, what is actually communicated comes out as unclear and frequently blaming.

To that end, I have endeavored to created a simple, yet effective process for communication that helps the person in question to verbalize what they’re feeling without projection. The first step in doing this, however, can be the most difficult in that they have to go within and see what they are really feeling. To help them get to the feeling, I use simple hypnotic regression to take them to a memory of an event that triggered the emotion. Then I have them practice putting the emotions into feeling words about themselves, without projection or blame on their partner.

Once they have done this, I encourage them to tell their partner something like, “This is not about you, it is about me. I don’t want you to do anything differently. I just need to tell you how I feel.” For example, “I feel frustrated and alone when I think that you are making decisions that don’t include me.” They can continue with, “I know that is your style and I am trying to understand. But for now, I just need to tell you how I feel.”

In using this simple “feeling script,” the person who is communicating their feelings, is relieving their partner of any expectation that they need to change. That is an extremely freeing way to communicate, although at first, the ego-mind may not think that this is enough. However, with practice, the unheard person begins to see that sometimes just stating what they feel allows them to avoid the resentment that can happen when the feelings are stuffed.

Let’s take the case of my client, Virginia, and her husband, Jeff (not their real names). Virginia came to me for multiple physiological conditions that did not go away with traditional medical treatment. She had tried other alternative therapies and came to work with me at the suggestion of her yoga instructor. When we first met, Virginia was quite overweight and presented as guarded and non-emotional. As we established a rapport and she got used to the techniques that I was teaching her, she began to express her feelings of inadequacy. For years she had been stuffing her feelings with food until her body began to protest with multiple illnesses. Gradually, I helped her identify some of what she had been stuffing and to put it into words.

Virginia found the “feeling script” above very helpful in talking with husband, Jeff, as it gave her a way to move past her self-judgement get started. She especially liked that she could tell Jeff that there was nothing that he needed to do and that she just needed to tell him how she felt. After several successes with this process, Virginia learned that it was not a change in Jeff’s behavior that she actually wanted, but to feel honored enough to be heard when she told him her feelings. Today, Virginia reports that Jeff actually responds favorably when he knows that all he has to do is listen.

This is not the end all for every couple’s communication issues. However, it is a powerful step in the right direction to improved communication.

Kym Maehl is an Integrative Life Coach and Clinical Hypnotherapist with a dynamic practice based in Carson City, NV. She has been a counselor for over 20 years and has successfully worked with groups and individuals worldwide in assisting authentic transformation. In addition to her private practice as a Counselor and Life Coach, Kym teaches classes in integrative healing modalities and the creative arts. She holds a an MA in Counseling and Educational Psychology, and is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, Rehabilitation Counselor, and Strategic Life Coach. Ms. Maehl is passionate about the need for inspired holism in both individual and collective consciousness and it is her goal to advance awareness by writing, teaching, coaching, and providing accessible and thought provoking courses and seminars. For more information go to www.spiritcounseling.org